I feel like having a little rant.

You know what I realized today while talking to my grandma? Okay, firstly, let me just say how rare it is for me to actually talk to my grandma. She usually doesn't understand what I say, so I gave up trying a little bit ago after a huge argument where she started claiming that my grandfather is braindead. He isn't braindead. He had a stroke and now has some trouble speaking, but he's not braindead. I digress. The point is that it is a sign of how prevalent this thought is with me that I actually felt like sharing it with my grandma. It had to be expressed, and she was right there.

I do not want to go back to high school. No, I'm not going to drop out. I'm just saying that I do not want to go back. I'm not looking forward to it at all. Yes, there are some great teachers who teach me a lot inside and out of the classroom. Yes, there are a few people I would miss. But, honestly, most of the time is spent over the smallest bullshit. Oh, and yes, usually I try to be more eloquent and refrain from cursing when actually typing something out, but not for this. 80% of my time at Frankfort is spent on bullshit, pure and simple. Junior year fucked everything up, and I'm not digging it.

Look, I'm just ready to go. I want to escape. Those of you reading this (there are probably two of you, tops) probably are thinking that summer has just started, and I should give it time, my feelings towards it will change. No. Not thinking that is very likely. I will make the most of my time, yes, and there are certain things I'm looking forward to, but for the most part I will be wading through petty bullshit. Awesome. That's the way I like to spend my days!

Ah, fuck. Rant. Rant. Rant. High school never ends. Wa-oh.

Balance

That is what I desire. I want to meet someone who does not just play one role in my life, such as that of the comforter, the comedian, etc. I want to meet someone who I can trust enough to rely on and who is open enough to rely on me. Too often, especially in this sense, there is only one or the other. I cannot support an entire person, nor do I feel comfortable relying on someone else completely. In addition, I want someone who not only challenges me to think differently, but is also willing to learn from me. Too often, I meet people who are either too strong-willed or too flexible with their ideals. I want a backbone, not a steel rod. I want a pliable mind, not a complete sponge.

Maybe what I'm saying is ridiculous, some silly romantic idea. Most would call what I describe a "soul mate." I wouldn't go there. I would say that there are just an incredibly small number of people one meets in life who balance perfectly (or near perfectly) with ones' own dispositions.

I'm tired of primary colors.
I want orange and purple and green.
I want to mix things up a bit.

"There's no place like WVU Honor Band. There's no place like WVU Honor Band."

The title is true.

Background Information: WVU Honor Band lasted from February 12 to February 14. It was composed of some of the most talented high school musicians not only in this state but beyond, such as Ohio, Pennsylvania, Kentucky, Virginia, and Maryland. Mr. Leonard was kind enough to nominate Kristen and me, and last Thursday we headed to Morgantown.

The past three days...to try to describe all of the magnificent details would take pages and pages of typing. I already talked to my mum for two hours in the car on the way back about it, and I don't know if I'm up for a retelling just yet. So, I'll leave it to the basics and what I got from it.

Here we go...

I love musicians. It's that simple. I don't care if a lot of them have gigantic egos. I don't care if we all differ over what style of music is best. I love musicians. I love watching people talk about things like mouth pieces and musical brands and the various occupations within the field of music. I love how we are tied together with a melody.

To call those that I met amazing is an understatement to be sure. They aim to create music, to teach music, to play music, to live music. They are dedicated to the point of obsession, many of them performing multiple styles of music in multiple different bands on multiple instruments. Yes, I can't help but compare myself, and I'll admit that I do not even come close to the talent most showed. This detered me slightly at first. I wondered if I was cut out for this, if I was already too far behind to catch up. This thought was in the back of my mind throughout my time there, but it was shoved out completely as soon as I stepped outside of the CAC (Creative Arts Center) today to leave. I felt like a part of me was being ripped out, kept inside the practice rooms and performance area. I remembered how when practicing, time did not exist. I remembered going out to eat and feeling like it was a waste of my time because the only thing I wanted in my mouth was my mouthpiece or the bubbles of laughter I emitted frequently due to the humor of my stand partner. I cried and cried.

The fact that I am by far not the best musician, not even the best saxophonist, in my state is irrelevant. What is relevant? My love for music. I'll do whatever it takes to become better and worthy to pursue what I consider one of the noblest paths in life: music (in all forms). I want to continue the pattern of the past two days (wake up, eat, play music, eat, play music, eat, enjoy the night, sleep, repeat), not leave them behind as a simple high school memory. To do so would be a disservice to my soul.

I do not yet know where my passion will take me. That will come in time. For right now, it's comforting enough to know that I know what it is.
"Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive." - Howard Thurman


Maybe no one cares about this, but I needed to let it out.




On a side note: Valentine's Day might have something in store for my mother as well. She received a singing Valentine's day message from an old friend of hers today, and I have a feeling that something might be in the works between the two of them. Yesss! Go, Mum!

Kelsey

Kelsey asked (begged, really) for me to write a blog about her today. I really did not have much else that I wanted to write about, so why not?
(Kelsey's pretty awesome, I can't lie.)

Kelsey is one of those special few who keep me sane.
She possesses all of those rare traits that I look for in people:
honesty, open-mindedness, a mildly twisted sense of humor, and genuine kindness.
She has faced incredible tragedy, but every day she makes someone laugh. Oh, that's not even accurate. I bet every day she makes at least five people laugh.
I just hope that she is able to overcome her fear of birthdays and New Years and the general passing of time to fully enjoy every second she has because I enjoy every moment of my life that I spend with her.

Haha, so, most people reading this probably feel like I've wasted your time, but just think about all of the people you have in your life who are like my friend Kelsey. Be thankful for them because they are incredibly special and hard to find. I know I'll miss her when she goes off to college. She better get accepted to Oberlin so that we could (possibly) room together.

I am the girl anachronism.

Just 11 days ago we entered the year 2009. The start of the new year usually inspires resolutions and reflections on the year past, but for me, it leads me to ponder the state of humanity today.

What are we becoming? What have we turned the world into?
Yes, we have medical breakthroughs and advances in technology, but that is not the point. I want to know in a philosophical sense how we are progressing as humans. How are we bettering ourselves, thinking about the world, interacting with each other, etc? We are becoming more and more obsessed with leading fantasy lives with the help of virtual reality. Let's look at how technology has changed communication: Telephones made it so that we could communicate without seeing the recipient. E-mail made it so that we could communicate without seeing or hearing the recipient. Texting has made it so that you can communicate without seeing or hearing the recipient, and also limited the length of responses. All of these were meant to better communication. They made communication faster, easier. Texting is great for sending short messages that do not require a phone conversation. However, though there is a point to the madness, it is ruining communication. When I talk to a person now, I can almost see them texting the message to me. The responses I get are short and usually mindless. I want expanded thought. I want to share ideas. Instead I hear and see the same nonsense.

I honestly wonder if I belong in this day and age. I see far too much greed. I don't see enough people challenging themselves. Ha, and the sound of cell phones terrifies me to no end. It took at least 20 minutes for my heart to stop pounding after I received a text the other day.

Perhaps 2009 will bring about a positive change for the world.
Maybe, just maybe, people will look outside of their own lives.
Maybe there will be more kindness and generosity.
Maybe there will be amazing new music.
Maybe there will be a revolution.

Anything is possible.

Live it out.

A Happy Conclusion To A Happy Day

I promised not to make this a journal, but I think these thoughts can be relevant to all, so here goes nothing.

Firstly, might I say that those who go through their school careers without bonding with their teachers are missing so much. Three teachers absolutely made my day today. They do their best to help me succeed. They advise me and talk to me as an equal. They recommend books and colleges. One even reads all of the little bulletins I post on MySpace, just to hear what I have to say. How insane/grand is that?

Secondly, I'm realizing how lucky I am. At the beginning of the year, I was so caught up in reaching out to others, finding new people to with which to connect because, somehow, I felt lonely despite the amazing people who surrounded me, who have always surrounded and supported and loved me. I forgot what I had, and I was a fool. The winter break made me realize that, while I am here, I need nothing more than them. Somehow, we found each other early, and that is one of the biggest miracles in my life so far. (I also find it funny how three people in the past week have referred to us as collectively, as a "gang" or "group." I don't even know what we'd classify ourselves as. Perhaps black sheep?)

To be honest, only one person has been letting me down fairly consistently lately. I'm hoping it all plays out well, but if it doesn't, I'll live.
It's the way of things.


Hm, Smoke by Alkaline Trio is a good song.
I haven't paid it much attention before.
It just came on. Mmm.

Tragedies and Statistics

"A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic."
- Joseph Stalin

I was discussing this quote with my friends Shane and Brittney the other day. I forget how we got on the subject, but we all seemed to find a lot of truth in those words. Every day on the news there are in-depth stories on the victims of murder and rape. Mass groups of people feel pain for these people. It is because they know their story. Their lives become a part of the American public's.

However, when people hear of a bombing that killed 50 people or a genocide that's killing thousands, they do not seem to care as much. Certainly, they think and say something along the lines of, "Something must be done," but they do not feel as much concern for the victims because the tragedy has not been brought to a human level. It is hard for one, while watching a clip of a car in flames or bombs going off, to think about the lives of each person affected by the tragedy, to connect with them. And, in order to solve a lot of the world's problems, I think that is necessary: a little more empathy and caring.

While I'm on the subject of empathy, I might as well talk about how it should apply to our daily lives as well. I feel like people do not take enough time to stop and analyze why people act the way that they do. They do not try to understand. When someone is yelling at you, yes, half of the time you probably deserve it, but the other half might be due to other stresses in their life. If we just stopped to think about the reasons behind the negative actions of others, we could fix the problem instead of just judging them.

I don't know where exactly this blog is going,
it's merely some thoughts I've been having lately.
Just think about it. Form your own conclusions.

True Cowardice and Real Strength

Recently, I have been bombarded by attacks against my religion or, rather, my lack thereof. Let me start by clarifying what I believe: I am an agnostic, which is simply a person who does not claim to know the essential nature of things, such as God. I am also a Humanist. Humanism is a philosophy that endorses universal morality, the ability to determine right and wrong based on rationality. Basically, Kurt Vonnegut said it best when he stated that "being a Humanist means trying to behave decently without expectation of rewards or punishment after you are dead."

In the past few weeks, I have been called a coward for my beliefs. I ponder how relying on myself, my own decisions, and my own morality makes me a coward. I do not gain my comfort from a higher power or a religious group. I gain it from myself, by doing the "right thing." Now, I'm not saying that all people of faith are cowards. However, if you only worship a God in fear of what you might face in the afterlife or because that was just how you were raised, then yes, that's cowardly. All I ask is that you question your beliefs and believe them because that is what you feel is right, not just because it was what you were told was correct and not because you fear eternal punishment.

I was also asked why I celebrate Christmas even though I am not a Christian. While it is true that I do not celebrate the birth of a savior on December 25th, I do celebrate love, hope, the spirit of giving, and the human spirit. Christ embodied all of those messages. You celebrate the man. I celebrate the message he stood for. Are we so different?

So, to recap:
True cowardice is doing as you are told,
fearing what you do not understand,
and judging anything different.

Real strength is questioning what you are told,
doing what you believe is right,
and trying to understand others.

To blog or not to blog?

I started this blog because my best friend, Kyle, urged me to after he created his own. (Apparently they are all the rage.) However, I had some reservations. In this blog, I'm going to put out my personal thoughts and opinions into the world, which I usually I save for intimate conversations with those that I trust and respect. It just seems like an invasion of my mind, honestly. Also, does anyone really care? I suppose that's the real question.
In any case, here I am, doing the deed. I will not be posting on a regular basis, just when I need to express a thought or opinion. This will not become a journal on my life. That is not the goal. (Personally, I don't really want the general public to know about my life.) I'm just typing what I think. Enjoy.